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Fun & Wisdom
..being words of advice and levity...
Jokes
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The
driver, a man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,
leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many
cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
The cowboy looks at the man, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and
calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The man parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his BlackBerry cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra- high-resolution photo. He then opens the
digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his
BlackBerry hat the image has been processed and the data stored. He
then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet
with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-
tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
cowboy. He watches the man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the
man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give
me back my calf?"
The man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a U.S. Congressman", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the man, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,
to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me
you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
Canadian Health Care
Two patients limp into two different Canadian Medical clinics with the same
complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement.
The first patient sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an
appointment, then waits 8 months to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which
isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 8
months from then.
The second patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and
has a time booked for surgery the following week.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Senior Citizen.
The second is a Golden Retriever.
Marriage
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25
years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a cheap sofa bed and
watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot
25-year-old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big
bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
But my wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she'd make sure
that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and
sleeping on a cheap sofa bed.
Why We Split Up..
...She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have
to quit.
...Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
...And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not
her.
...She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
...I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back...
Job Interview
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,
except one. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and
Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am
ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes Green, Green, Green, and I Pink it up,
and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call centre for Dell. No doubt you
have spoken to him.
A Slow Day
It was a slow day in Heaven so God phoned Satan to see what was going on down there.
"It's a slow day here, too," said Satan.
"Well," God said, "I think a horse show might be fun."
"Sounds good," said Satan, "but why are you calling me? You've got all the horses up there."
"I know," answered God, "but you've got all the judges."
A Hanging
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the
bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is
everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've gone to the
hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper
Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of a name is that?"
the cowboy asked. "Well," says the bartender. "He wears a
brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." "How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are
they hanging him for?" "Rustling," said the bartender.
Winner
A couple months ago, I entered a contest and
ended up winning a few acres of swamp land
in Mississippi.
Right after that I won another contest for
$250,000, so I used it to build a new house,
on my new land.
Then, last week, I won enough money in the lottery
to quit my job and move down there for good.
And just last night, as I sat on my new porch,
watching the rain and listening to the thunder,
it all started to sink in.
Loser
Anyone who advertised in nagtags magazine was a loser, as Cathy Hunt produced
just one issue of the magazine. She then disappeared as did her website, taking
with her the good wishes and hard earned monies of many in the Southern Ontario
horse business.
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